Beauty in the journey ...

The term "stop and smell the roses" isn't about making friends with the local florist or all of the sudden developing a green thumb.  It's about living your life with a deeper appreciation for the world around us.  It's about noticing the little things and slowing down to enjoy each fleeting moment.

This guy right here has taught me to do just that.  He does NOT have an agenda.  He's not limited by MY to-do list nor does he care to check off any demands on his own.  He lives fully in each moment, soaking in all that it has to offer.

He has always been fascinated by nature.  He's grown up visiting the Aviary and the Zoo and has developed a unique appreciation for ALL animals.  He knows birds and butterflies by name and will find the beauty in each creature no matter how unsightly mom might think they are.  There was one particular instance where he said, "Mom!  Come look at THIS!"  The sight of the creature made me jump back.  It was ugly and frightening and I really wasn't sure what it was.  To my eye, it was...well....UGLY.  His next words stopped me in my tracks.  He said, "Mommy, isn't it just beautiful?  Look at how special it is!  God actually MADE this!" 

Wow....talk about eating humble pie.  Yes, it IS quite special, dear boy.  Every creature in all of its glory handcrafted by the one who formed the universe.  He has made EVERY creature ON purpose, WITH purpose and FOR a purpose.  There are no accidents in the hands of the creator.

Thank you, Caleb....for causing me to see the beauty in creation.....Thank you for helping me to stop and smell the roses: To see the beauty in ALL of life.  God doesn't make mistakes.  There is a glorious unfolding in all of our journeys.  We just need to open our eyes and ask Him to show us.

Job 12:7 “But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; 

8 or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. 

9Which of all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? 

10 In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

A String of Rough Days....

We have had some really, REALLY rough days...  A rough couple of months actually.  Complete shut down and refusal to do work.... Lots of excuses.... Avoidance.... ESCAPE....                                                                                        

Impulsivity and a series of poor choices led to some serious consequences both at school and at home.  Anxiety is at an all time high, emotional outbursts and episodes are happening more frequently (several times per day) and self-regulation is almost non-existent.  The behavior is hindering his learning and has become a distraction for the other students around him.  Decreasing confidence and diminishing self-esteem have stolen any initiative that he has been putting into his learning and goals.  

We are facing some tough decisions.  One option that we have discovered is a partial placement program through a local hospital.  This program is an out-patient program and will allow him to do school work on site, and will provide more intensive behavioral therapy and emotional support.  The program will last throughout the remainder of the school year, giving him the summer for a much needed change of scenery and a system reset...  Praying for good things.  Maybe they'll help us find his smile again... I sure do miss it.

We learn from our challenges.  We grow because of our bad days.  I still believe that God is working in my son....I still believe that he is moving toward a destiny and purpose designed just for him.....  

So here I sit and type the words...  WE HAD A BAD DAY... (I totally know you're humming the song in your head now!)  Just because we have a bad day (or a bunch of them in a row), doesn't mean that what we are doing isn't working.  It doesn't mean that we need to start again from scratch.  That just means we take some extra breaths...Take an extra long hot shower...Cuddle a little longer...Get some extra sleep that night and do it all again in the morning... TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.

I know in whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.  2 Timothy 1:12 

I'm not moved by what I see...

not moved by what I feel...

but I am moved by the very Word of God...

the TRUTH.

Keep on keepin' on, my friends.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Autism Awareness Month

     

April is Autism Awareness Month.  Actually in our home, though, it's every day of the year.

Autism looks different on every kid.  Like a snowflake, each one unlocking beauty to a world you might not otherwise see... Steve M. Shore said it perfectly when he said, "If you've met one individual with autism, you've met one individual with autism."  It sometimes shows up right away in ways that are screaming you in the face.  Other times, it's a quiet shadow hovering, leaving you wondering if you've missed something.

Caleb's diagnoses came after a few years of being chased by that shadow... I didn't know what to look for, didn't know who to call...I just knew that something wasn't quite right...I knew my son was in there, but couldn't quite find him.  A friend put me in contact with an autism supervisor with Western PA Psych Care.  She turned out to be an angel sent to us from God and became a very dear friend of our hearts...for life.  She spent an hour and a half of her own time, listening, sharing and guiding me with what next steps to take... I didn't know that the end of that conversation would be the beginning of such a beautiful journey with my son... A journey that would provide constant learning and growing.  Ignorance will keep people in the dark, but knowledge will bring power.

I know that people say that it's not good to put labels on kids.  We don't.  Caleb is not autistic.  He has been diagnosed with autism.  He is not broken, defective or challenged...He is beautiful, different and challenging.  He is a wonderful, mysterious, amazing, bright kid, full of endless possibilities that happens to be going about life in a different way ... 

I'm quite fond of him.

Still Moving Forward

I sometimes find it hard to swallow the pill of what society says my child's SUCCESS should look like; ***star athlete,*** honor student,*** certificate earner,*** award winner,*** class president,*** teacher's pet...*** The danger in swallowing this pill is that it will most likely cause me to miss out on the continual progress that my child is making.

Walking through my son's school during an Open House earlier this month, my eyes were drawn to magnificent projects with incredible detail, shiny trophies, posted awards and even a video of a student named "classroom hero." I looked over at my son's Social studies project with crooked index cards and messy writing.....I was immediately filled with tears of pride. If I had spent my time looking at all of the things that I wish had my son's name on it, I would have missed a real opportunity to celebrate with him. I would have missed out on celebrating that he actually COMPLETED 20 note cards for his social studies timeline and had them all in the correct order...I would have missed out on the joy of having him drag me to the music room to play a new song he learned on the dulcimer.... I would have missed out on hearing all that he has learned about the original 13 colonies as he proudly flipped through his project folder. I would have missed seeing him in a class video laughing, dancing and actually participating.

The thing about progress and growth is that we need to be careful to what we are measuring it against... Doctors don't measure growth based on the records of the previous patient. Doctors measure growth based on where you were before compared to where you are now. Progress is moving forward from where you used to be to where you are now.

Celebrate your child's milestones WHATEVER THEY MAY BE.... they are markers of God's faithfulness and hand on their lives. They are symbols of His grace and an unfolding and unveiling of a destiny far greater than one we can imagine.

Progress is Progress.....

Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's impossible

I recently read a devotional by renowned author and speaker, Lisa Terkheurst.  She said, "There's a beautiful reality called imperfect progress."  She went on to say that "imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace."  Especially as women, we want everything that we have a part in to work well.... We want it to be right....we want it to be PERFECT.  Raising a child with exceptional needs has a tendency to leave dignity in the dust.  It's messy at times.  It draws attention.  It turns heads.

A recent blog post came on the heels of a rough day.  One of those "two steps forward, THREE steps back" kind of days.  Those days leave me feeling quite defeated.  *EXPOSED*... 

Judged

But who's on trial?  What's the charge? ...Being a perfect mom?  ...Getting it perfect?  ...Having children that are all neatly dressed, get straight A's, walking in a straight line with "yes ma'ams" and "no ma'ams" and all of the other well-mannered words that we teach our children?

If I lived with those expectations, I would NEVER get it right.  I would live in an endless cycle of imperfection and self-defeating insecurity.

So if there's no perfect progress, then what should I look for?  God started to gently speak to my heart, whispering...."Are you moving forward?  Are you doing your best?  Do you know that I love you and your son passionately no matter how the day turns out?"

GOD LOVES ME NO MATTER HOW MESSY THE PROGRESS IS....

God. Loves. Me.  

God. Loves. My. Kids.

Over the past month, Caleb has continued to make slow and steady progress.  Not perfect progress but progress nonetheless.  His teachers have begun to share more consistently about his days, promising to not just share the negative events or episodes.  Over the past week, we have had several positive reports.  His days haven't been perfect but they've showed the progress that we are looking for.  More easily corrected, doing his class work, recovering from behavioral episodes more quickly. THAT'S PROGRESS...  He's learning more, enjoying school more and feeling better about himself as a result. THAT'S PROGRESS...  When he feels better about himself, he keeps trying.

Doing homework with fewer fights....  It may not always be legible but he's learning and he's doing the work.  We're taking this one step at a time!

His teachers have been a blessing.  He has very understanding support staff beside and behind him that recognize when he needs some space, when he needs to be pushed and when he needs to be encouraged.  More importantly, he's recognizing his needs for himself.  He shares good things AND bad things about his day and knows when to tell his teachers that he just needs to work alone rather than in a group. THAT'S PROGRESS.

*SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE* ...the lesson learned from the famous story of the Tortoise and the Hare.  No need to rush.  No need to compare myself to other runners.  We are running our own race.  Have our own obstacles and our own pit stops.  There is no manual for how to do this right.  No cook book. No coach.  Or is there?  I *DO* have a coach.  It's the Holy Spirit.  I do have a manual.  It's the Word of God.  Word for Word, line by line, guiding me to every good work.  Teaching us how to run OUR race.  And if we stumble?  Jesus is right there to pick us back up...dust off our knees and get us back on our way.  Why???  Because He's running our race right along side us.

All glory to him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen. Jude 1:25